on the day you would have been born.

on the day you would have been born, i missed you.

i craved you in my arms, tiny baby that was never bigger than a blueberry.

i wondered if you would have had hair or if you would have been bald like your big brother.

would we be celebrating with pink or blue?

would we have struggled with a name? or would we already have it all picked out for your arrival?

today, i am wondering if this will forever be an anniversary or will this day come and go in the future? will your due date hit me hard forever?

on the day you would have been born, your little sibling is almost 33 weeks, nice and cozy in mama's belly. your older brother is so in love.

my little blueberry, you are a blessing. you came, you took lots of your mama's love, and you left us. something was wrong, you were too sick to make it earth side and your tiny spirit made room for your little sibling that we will be meeting soon. I do believe you have a spirit, despite only being eight weeks. you had fingers and toes. you had facial features. at one point, your heart was beating.

on the day you would have been born, i mourn what could have been, but i am thankful for what will be. i am thankful for the almost five weeks we celebrated and knew about you.

it is a hard day, but a day that is met with happiness. soon, your little baby brother or sister will be here because YOU made it happen.

love you, forever, my sweet baby. miss you always.

miscarriage… two months later.

shortly before my miscarriage, i bought this perfect rattle for little baby fitz. i have a deep love for the state of arizona. it is my home and always will be. i will never leave this state! it is only fitting that i instill this in my babies from day one so they never leave me. they can go to asu and find a career here, then start a family right down the road from me. i received it in the mail a few days after the loss. i just opened it and cried. it is an odd feeling having something so small and meant for happiness, crush you like you are nothing.

i still feel overwhelmed sometimes. people have already forgotten, parker will never truly know, but it still hits me hard. i am good though. i am happy! i just have those moments. it is a mama thing. while this affects everyone that you are close to, it does not affect any one like  the one going through it. you are the only one that knew the baby. maybe i was never able to feel his/her kicks, but the baby had me craving sweets and the baby made me need to nap when parker napped. i was just so tired! and i will remember that. it was the opposite of parker. parker had me craving beef. any form. just give me beef. it was how i knew he was a boy. with my sweets craving, i thought girl, girl, girl. i will never know. i have come to terms with that though. i never thought i would, but we are made to persevere, right?

then there is what happens afterward. when do we start trying again? medically, some suggest two months. others say that you can try as soon as your hormones are okay. the big thing is mentally. they say wait until you know you are ready. well, we want our family to grow (a lot!) and another baby would be the biggest blessing, but can i handle the anxiety that comes with the first few months, so soon after losing one? you cannot feel the baby, so unless I buy a doppler, I won't know if my baby is okay. if i do buy one, i cannot hear the heart beat with an at home doppler until about 9 weeks, right? for roughly the 5 1/2 weeks, i wouldn't know. that kills me. it makes me scared.

but faith conquers all. when we are ready, i will not let fear conquer me. i will not let fear hold me back and hold me down. i will have faith in God's plan for this family and i will trust. maybe my anxiety will be through the roof, but i will still have faith.

and faith conquers all.