on the day you would have been born.

on the day you would have been born, i missed you.

i craved you in my arms, tiny baby that was never bigger than a blueberry.

i wondered if you would have had hair or if you would have been bald like your big brother.

would we be celebrating with pink or blue?

would we have struggled with a name? or would we already have it all picked out for your arrival?

today, i am wondering if this will forever be an anniversary or will this day come and go in the future? will your due date hit me hard forever?

on the day you would have been born, your little sibling is almost 33 weeks, nice and cozy in mama's belly. your older brother is so in love.

my little blueberry, you are a blessing. you came, you took lots of your mama's love, and you left us. something was wrong, you were too sick to make it earth side and your tiny spirit made room for your little sibling that we will be meeting soon. I do believe you have a spirit, despite only being eight weeks. you had fingers and toes. you had facial features. at one point, your heart was beating.

on the day you would have been born, i mourn what could have been, but i am thankful for what will be. i am thankful for the almost five weeks we celebrated and knew about you.

it is a hard day, but a day that is met with happiness. soon, your little baby brother or sister will be here because YOU made it happen.

love you, forever, my sweet baby. miss you always.

miscarriage… two months later.

shortly before my miscarriage, i bought this perfect rattle for little baby fitz. i have a deep love for the state of arizona. it is my home and always will be. i will never leave this state! it is only fitting that i instill this in my babies from day one so they never leave me. they can go to asu and find a career here, then start a family right down the road from me. i received it in the mail a few days after the loss. i just opened it and cried. it is an odd feeling having something so small and meant for happiness, crush you like you are nothing.

i still feel overwhelmed sometimes. people have already forgotten, parker will never truly know, but it still hits me hard. i am good though. i am happy! i just have those moments. it is a mama thing. while this affects everyone that you are close to, it does not affect any one like  the one going through it. you are the only one that knew the baby. maybe i was never able to feel his/her kicks, but the baby had me craving sweets and the baby made me need to nap when parker napped. i was just so tired! and i will remember that. it was the opposite of parker. parker had me craving beef. any form. just give me beef. it was how i knew he was a boy. with my sweets craving, i thought girl, girl, girl. i will never know. i have come to terms with that though. i never thought i would, but we are made to persevere, right?

then there is what happens afterward. when do we start trying again? medically, some suggest two months. others say that you can try as soon as your hormones are okay. the big thing is mentally. they say wait until you know you are ready. well, we want our family to grow (a lot!) and another baby would be the biggest blessing, but can i handle the anxiety that comes with the first few months, so soon after losing one? you cannot feel the baby, so unless I buy a doppler, I won't know if my baby is okay. if i do buy one, i cannot hear the heart beat with an at home doppler until about 9 weeks, right? for roughly the 5 1/2 weeks, i wouldn't know. that kills me. it makes me scared.

but faith conquers all. when we are ready, i will not let fear conquer me. i will not let fear hold me back and hold me down. i will have faith in God's plan for this family and i will trust. maybe my anxiety will be through the roof, but i will still have faith.

and faith conquers all.

my 'real' real life // when heartbreak happens

my social media is filled with sunshine and rainbows. it spews fun colors and sweet, loving photos. i hate when people say these photos are not their 'real' life, so they post a messy house and crying babies with the hashtag #myrealreallife. you know what? a messy house and crying baby is still a happy time. my house is messy, not because i don't want to clean, but because parker is pulling every toy out of the playroom to make a giant show for only five minutes and laugh the whole time. my house is messy because instead of cleaning, i am choosing to blow bubbles outback or swim. my focus of my 'real' real life will never be the mess in the background, it will be my baby and family, front and center. it will never be the moments he is crying, because those times are just blips. sometimes, believe it or not, those crying moments are not all sad. when he is crying to get to me or he is wanting his daddy to come home, he may be upset, but i know that he is doing it because he loves us so much. i will never remember the tears of fits though. what you see is #myrealreallife, what you see is front and center of my life.

what do you do when your 'real' real life crumbles a little? i can't post a photo saying 'hey guys, my life just exploded a little bit and i am in bed crying.' so i post a different aspect of my 'real' real life.

instead, on the day my 'real' real life crumbled, i posted a photo of my son pretending to be sailing with a peg arm. that was also my 'real' real life, the light through the pain. my front and center.