"Most of your ultrasound looks good but..."

You look forward to two doctor's appointments... the first one with the first sonogram and the sixteen to twenty week appointment when most find out the sex and check the growth/health. FUN, right? No. Not for us. At our first appointment, we were told I may not carry the baby to twelve weeks. Cue tears, cue guilt, cue major stress. But we made it! Our baby toughed it out and made it.

We found out the sex early, so our eighteen week appointment was just health. He has been growing ahead of schedule so I knew we'd dominate the growth part of the ultrasound. He is constantly moving, so I was assuming (mostly hoping) that his organs were well. 

I drank my 32 ounces of water and held it. THIS IS QUITE A FEAT. I drink so much water, then I had to slam that so my bladder was stretched to the max. The tech squished, poked, wiggled everything. She is so lucky I didn't pee all over her table. She showed us his little bones, his working organs, his heart. He put his little hand up to hide his face. It was perfect, of course. We got our pictures. I sent one to my family immediately. 

Afterward, they send you to the doctor to discuss the pictures. The first words out of her mouth were "Most of your ultrasound looks good, but there is a spot on his heart." That is the moment your heart sinks and the world goes a little dark. I didn't even know what it was, but I knew that my baby shouldn't have a spot on his heart. She told us it is called an Echogenic Intracardiac Foci and it happens to about 3 in every 20 babies, so it isn't that uncommon. It is a marker of Trisomy 13, 18, or 21. I can handle Trisomy 21. It'd be a challenge, but Eric and I could do it. I cannot handle 13 or 18. I cannot handle losing my baby. I didn't cry in the doctor's office while she was talking. I was mostly staring, listening, texting my mom. My poor mom... she got the baby picture, said "you baby looks (insert something funny)." My response is "my baby has a spot on his heart." I felt terrible for the way I worded it. I accidentally made her feel so bad. 

We immediately went for genetic testing. The test only gives you a probability, not a definite answer. After that, we called every high risk ultrasound place you can imagine. Some wouldn't take us until we were 20 weeks, most were booked for weeks. I was 17 weeks, 6 days. I wasn't capable of waiting two weeks. I could hardly wait the ten minutes to get my blood taken. Finally, after dozens of calls we got one for a week later. 

The next 6 days were terrible. I mostly cried. The research was optimistic because he had no other markers, but it doesn't matter. Statistics do not matter one bit when it is your baby. A lot of people will think I am overdramatic, but unless you're a mom, you have no idea. Finally, we got our genetic test results. One in ten thousand for all chromosomal issues. THANK YOU. Party time. The odds are in his favor.  But what is wrong with his heart? I can handle that. Hearts can be fixed. The next day we went for our high risk ultrasound. It went well. I love seeing him. We saw the spot. He will be born with it, but that is okay. It will not dislodge and go into his arteries. It will disappear when he is 30 or so. This doctor also gave us more statistics! One in three asian babies have this! So it is more common than we had been told originally. This also changed our chromosomal issue probability to one in five thousand. Those odds are still better than most. Thank goodness. Now, the happy tears come. It was an entire week of worry, pain, and guilt, but he is okay. 

So what do I suggest to woman that experience this? Nothing. Nothing I say will make it easier. No statistic will ever matter. Just pray for the best. Be scared, cry, freak out. Rely on other people to be strong. You just do what you need to do. I hope you have a great family behind you and a great baby daddy. You'll need them. 

Speaking of baby daddy... mine was perfect. He was the strong one, as always. He is kind, loving, and doesn't mind when I get all sorts of crazy. I am a lucky lady.

My mama is amazing too. After a melt down regarding appointments, she called every where for me and got tough on people about getting me in. She didn't say oh it is okay. She just let me cry and be sad. She isn't the mom that sits in the background and waits for the good news; she is the mom who cries when you cry and your pain is her pain. I love her. My daddy too! He was so distraught. I know it has to be hard to see his baby in pain, but he handled it well and took care of me.

Hands and feet. Can't wait to kiss those toesies. 

That is his heart. His spot is somewhere. 

His profile. Yes, his head is still measuring larger than the rest.